If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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