I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
