I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
