I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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