your parents love me but you hate me
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
