Cold hands, warm shart.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
