Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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