Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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