we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
