btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
