you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
