grandma shit on top of the toilet
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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