I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
