You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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