I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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