now i know why i became what i already was.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
