i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
