She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
