I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
