A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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