This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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