Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize