the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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