Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
