Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
