when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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