You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
