He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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