i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
