woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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