note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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