Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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