He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
