you guys were way drunker than both of me
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize