I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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