I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
