Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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