This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
