I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
