Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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