I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
