Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
