11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
