first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
