my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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