so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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