so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize