If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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