I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
