when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
