I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
