soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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