My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
