if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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