I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
