they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
