I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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